The Belly

http://findingbecky.wordpress.com/

Hello my blogger friends,

This will be my last post on this blog. 

I really don’t know where or how to begin.  Even though I feel like in the past week I have told this story over and over again, I still find I’m lost when I search for the words.  So this post may be all over the place – consider yourself warned.

I will try and start at the beginning. 

A year and a half ago things began changing with me.  At 30 years old, I took on the new years resolution to change my health and this time I planned to stick with it.  So I signed a contract with a gym and began working out.  The weight started coming off.

As the weight began coming off, feelings came to the surface that confused me.  I started to notice that I was still sexually attracted to men.  I started noticing men around me and would find myself checking them out.  I didn’t understand these feelings nor why they were happening to me at 30. 

I made an effort to push these feelings aside.  I never went to Holly and spoke to her about them because I didn’t understand them enough to even know how to begin that conversation.  So I held them in and after being out of the closet for 11 years, I went back in. 

Harboring those feelings made things bad with Holly and I.  We fought, we broke up and got back together, and insecurities lingered.  Problems were never resolved, they were just swept under the carpet.  We were going through the motions. 

The more I tried to push away these feelings to be with a man, they more they surfaced.  I finally realized that I had to tell Holly and not only that, but I would have to leave Holly.

I’m not sure if anyone can really understand this – I’m not sure if I even understand it and I’m going through it.  Imagine thinking that you are with the love of your life and everything seems perfect in your world.  Then all of a sudden, your desires change.  Your desire to be with the opposite sex of your partner overwhelms you to the point of feeling you had to leave the love of your life. 

I tried to think of a way I could stay with Holly while feeling this way but then realized that wouldn’t be fair to her or me.  We both deserve to be happy.  We both deserve to be loved completely. 

So I started thinking of ways to tell her.  To tell her that I am bisexual.  I started thinking where or when to tell her but could not find the perfect time or place.  I dragged my feet. 

Then one Saturday afternoon as we were sitting by the pool with friends an argument arose and before I knew it, I was telling her everything.  It was as if I no longer had control over what was being said – a confession vomit (if you will).  Then things went sideways from there… I won’t go into the messy details but will say that nothing happened as I had planned it.  I never thought telling her would involve so many friends.  I never considered what this would do to those friends.

The hardest part was seeing the hurt on her face.  I knew I was breaking her heart into pieces. 

I instantly went numb and my stomach went into knots.  For the next 24 hours, keeping food down was nearly impossible.  She too had a rough couple of days.  The days are still hard but we continue to move forward. 

I’m still living in the house, she at a friend’s house for now.  We have talked since then and we’re trying the friends thing.  Truth is, I care about her deeply and I feel we will always be in each other’s life.  As she said, “our relationship was special, so our break up will be too.” 

We are taking things one day at a time.  We’re slowly working to rebuild our lives as individuals.  Life has changed almost over night.  I am having to come out of the closet all over again but as a bisexual (yes, I am still sexually attracted to women and no, I will not ‘pick a team’ right now). 

My plan is to take things one day at a time and treat myself every chance I get.  It’s time I start taking care of myself and doing what I need to make me happy. 

With that, I will say, thank you for sticking around.  I will miss the blog world.  There are so many of you that have reached out to me through face.book and for that, I am grateful.

Goodbye, friend.