Becky here.  Where to start?

A few months ago, Holly found a lump in her breast.  She went to the doctor who then sent her off for a mammogram and ultrasound, in which we found another lump in her other breast.  They biopsied both lumps and gave us results a few days later.  This gave us a big scare and had us both planning the next steps, just in case.  Thankfully, they turned out to both be benign cysts.  We both felt relieved at the news and started to re-evaluate things in our lives.  Are we really where we want to be in life?  Doing what we want?  Living how we want?

This lead us to the topic of trying to conceive again.  It has been a constant conversation with Holly and I as to whether we want to continue or not. 

A few months before the lumps were found in Holly’s breast, Holly and I had some troubles in our relationship.  I won’t go into details here, but I will say that we have been working out our troubles and becoming a stronger couple because of it.  But because of our troubles, we again began to question the whole trying to conceive topic. 

For us, trying to conceive was so difficult.  It carried with it hurt, regret, false hopes, and disappointment.  I believe this was a big strain in our relationship.  Even though Holly and I held strong, it still took a huge toll on us as a couple and as individuals.  It amazes me that women can continue to go through this process month after month.  Taking a gamble when there is less than a 5% chance of pregnancy.  Oprah was right – becoming a parent is the ultimate sacrifice. 

So this brings me back to my questions – Am I where I want to be in life? 

I look over to my wife, Holly, and I know that I am but I feel like I may be missing out on something wonderful by not having a child.  I question if I feel that way because of society. 

Try to follow me on this one…

Society dictates that when we grow up we get married and have kids.  I did the married thing so it seems the next step would be to have kids, right?

I think this is where my feeling of “missing out” is coming from.  I’m still unsure on this one. 

So all of that said – are we actively trying to conceive?  Not right now.  Will we in the near future?  Not too sure of that.  I will say though, we are happy…. very happy. 

Here is the ad in question -

Oh yes, now I can see it – It’s so evident that if you paint your son’s toenails pink, he will turn out to be gay.  Of course!  That’s how it begins with so many other gay men and transsexuals . 

I have to wonder if the right winged media has anything better to do with their time than to target a harmless ad like this.

Click on this link for more of the story -

J.Crew Ad Stirs Controversy

• I have been working CONSTANTLY.  My projects are stacking up everyday and the juggling act is becoming difficult.  But I love the challenge and I love being busy.  It makes the day seem to fly by and I enjoy that fire lit under me.
• Holly and I are planning to start trying to conceive again in June.  We are working to get our finances in order so we’re not struggling to purchase vials of sperm every month.  We figure, if we can’t afford the sperm, then we won’t be able to afford a baby.  So when we are financially able to afford sperm, we’ll begin the TTC process again.  Holly will be the one to try first.  If we are unsuccessful after two attempts, things will switch over to me.  I will try twice and then switch back over to Holly – and so on. 
• We just booked our vacation for 4th of July week.  We will be spending the week at the beach in a beautiful beachfront villa.  It’s the same villa, on the same beach where Holly and I were married.  The villa sleeps 7, so we plan to have our friends over for a few nights to make it a “girls” weekend getaway.  I’m so looking forward to this – we really need the vacation!
• Holly and I have been so busy lately with the gym, work, social gatherings, and family visits.  It was so nice to have a lazy day with her last Sunday.  We sat around the house and did absolutely nothing – except for enjoy each other.  It’s great that after 7 years, we can still get it on like that! 

Here is a recent picture of us from Saturday night.  Still happy – still in love!

Happy Monday, Everyone!

What happens when change begins to happen from within?  I’ve noticed a lot of changes within myself over the last few months.  My body is changing shape, my self-esteem is changing, my way of thinking is changing, and my confidence is changing.   As the weight comes off, I’m dealing with my emotional demons.  Stuff that I never knew existed has moved to the surface.  One of them being my ability to push away anyone who has ever loved me.  I did this all my life without realizing it.  The few people in my life that I have loved ended up disappointing and hurting me in some way, so to avoid the hurt and disappointment, I push them away before they have a chance to hurt me.  Makes sense, right?  Not really.

I’m working at confronting these issues head-on and working through them.  These changes are a bit scary, not just for me, but for Holly as well.  To her, I’m unstable right now.  I’m changing into a woman she doesn’t recognize.    Our challenge is to work through this together, one day at a time.  The lines of communication have remained open and we have been forced to talk about our feelings; even the most difficult feelings.

I am changing, this much is true, but my love for Holly has never wavered.  It has only grown and as I grow into this new woman, my love for her intensifies. 

I wonder if others who have lost a lot of weight have dealt with the same changes in their life?  I also wonder if this is just a part of growing up – a way of maturing?  Whatever the case, I’m ready for the change that lies ahead.

After stretching we went to the cardio cinema.  *Side note – the cardio cinema is a dark room filled with cardio equipment and a big screen.  It’s like a movie theatre but with treadmills, bikes, ellipticals, arc trainers, etc.  Anyways, Holly and I get onto the treadmill and start our fast paced walk.  After two minutes, we upped the pace to a jog.  As I became engrossed in the movie that was playing, I continued to jog, not realizing how much time had passed. 

Before Saturday, my treadmill workouts consisted of 1 minute runs, 1 minute walks – rinse and repeat.  I stuck to a minute because I couldn’t get past a minute without feeling like my lungs were going to explode.  But on Saturday, I looked down at my timer and realized I had run for a whole 5 minutes!  Five minutes!!!! 

I was so shocked that I slowed down immediately and did a little happy dance.  Of course, I didn’t need to stop.  My breathing was good, my legs were strong and I felt like I could probably go another 5 minutes easily.  This made me so happy.  So I started running again. 

I finished the mile in 15 minutes (not bad considering it used to take me 22 minutes) doing a run/walk combination.  It’s accomplishments such as these that make me want to keep going.

I see my body changing.  I can feel my body getting stronger.  I no longer feel tired and worn down.  I feel energized and happy. 

When I got off the treadmill I experienced that “runner’s high” that I’ve heard so much about.  It was pretty intense… lol  Now I want to do it all over again.  I want to run longer than 5 minutes; maybe I will run 10 this time.  I know my heart and lungs can handle it.  I know my legs are strong enough to handle it – so there is nothing standing in my way.

It is my dream to run a marathon one day and with every run I complete, I’m starting to see that dream become a reality.

On her network, Lisa Ling has a documentary series called “Our America”. On the last episode, she took a look at homosexuality and christianity. She investigated “ex-gay” ministries like exodus and looked into christian teen camps for gays and lesbians.

This show called to me. Being the daughter of a pastor in the baptist church, I’ve had my own debates with my father about what the bible really does say about homosexuality.

I’m still a christian and I’m still a lesbian. I feel God made us all different for a reason and what you think the bible says, doesn’t necessarily mean that is what the bible says.

When coming out to my father (the pastor), I went through many years of debate with him. He would bring up verses in the bible and in order to debate him properly, I had to do my research. So I went to a wonderful website called www.whosoever.org. Whosoever.org breaks apart the verses in the bible that are often used against homosexuals and defines the actual meaning. This became beneficial for me during my arguments with my father.

What really hurts my heart is that there are gays and lesbians going to ministries like exodus looking for help. Looking to change. But what they don’t realize is that being gay or lesbian is not something that can be changed. So they beat themselves up over their sexuality or go about living a lie.

I’m interested in hearing from you on this subject. Did you see the show, “Pray the Gay Away?”? If so, what did you think? Are you a christian and also gay? If so, have you had conflicting issues with being gay and what you’ve heard the bible says?

This is one of them.

At a young age I began a path of self destruction.  A lot of teens go through this – they lash out and rebel and feel they are invincible so they’ll do things that could be very harmful in the long run.  I was that teen.  It was at the age of 12 that I had a fall out with my father.  It was also that age that I started to come out of my shell.  As the years moved forward, I came in contact with guys who were not good guys.  Without realizing it, I did this on purpose.  These guys would never love me and in my mind that was ok. 

I finally met a guy at the age of 17 who did fall in love with me and in a way I allowed myself to love him back.  Although I never fully committed myself to him, I kept that wall up around my heart for the entire relationship.  We continued our relationship for two years and brought it to an end over the phone one night. 

At 19 I moved down to Florida where I pursued my desire to be with a woman.  The women I met were all different… as in they didn’t share the same characteristics.  Some were butch, some femme, some sporty, some bi.  I wanted to try a variety of them all. 

At 20 I met a girl who I will call “K”.  She was butch with a strong, controlling personality.  I was drawn to her because she had that “bad boy” vibe much like the guys I dated in high school.  I was with K for 3 years but I knew I needed to get away from her after only being together a year.  It took two years to actually get away from her.  She loved me but in a very possessive sort of way.  Not in the way I deserved. 

At 23 I met Holly.  Who loves me in the way I deserve.  She loves me passionately and with her whole heart. 

My “a-ha moment” came while shedding the pounds.  The fallout I had with my dad at 12 instilled in my mind that I am incapable of being loved.  So all throughout my life I attached myself to people who I knew would either a) treat me bad or b) never love me.  The funny thing is, I would attach myself to that type of person with the hope that they will be different and in the long run, I would end up alone and disappointed. 

This tore apart at my self-esteem and my heart.  I created walls all around my heart so I wouldn’t get hurt again.  What did this do to me?  It made me incapable of loving completely – not just others, but myself as well.  This also caused me to become very cold and bitter during an argument because my walls would come up to protect myself from the disappointment I was so sure was coming. 

This journey has allowed me to really look inside myself and re-evaluate what I’m worth.  You know what?  I’m worth loving!  I’m worth being treated with respect.  I’m smart and passionate and a pretty amazing woman!  All of those people from my past will remain in my past and will never have a chance in my future. 

Holly is my future and she has stuck with me even though she knows I’m guarded.  With her and through this journey I can start to bring those walls down.  I can stop waiting for her to disappoint me and start loving her completely and passionately – the way she loves me. 

It’s a work in progress, but now that I have identified the root cause I can now start to repair the damage that’s been done.

I was speaking with a friend of mine the other night as I consumed my 2nd… no 3rd glass of wine.  Her and I were discussing social networks.  She is very different from me in that she’s keeps her secrets to herself.  She doesn’t Facebook, twit, or tweet, nor does she blog.  She feels social networks are a waste of time and eliminate the personal contact.

I – on the other hand – have a Facebook, twitter account, blog, and I’m part of a few forums.  I am a social network junkie, if you will.  Now that I have a phone that instantly connects me to these ports at all times, I am able to feed my addiction 24/7. 

For me, a blog is an outlet of mine.  It’s a way for me to gain an outsider’s perspective without strings attached.  When I went through my miscarriage, I blogged about it and felt comfort in knowing there were other women out there who had gone through the same thing.  When we were trying to conceive, it felt great to know we had a community of cheerleaders cheering us on throughout our journey.  While losing weight, the community of those also fighting with weight loss and food addiction were there to keep me motivated. 

Facebook allows me to stay connected to old friends and keep contact with a few online friends I have made while blogging and from the forums. 

Twitter is rather new to me so I haven’t really decided if I like it or not.

But all of these outlets are important to me in some way.  My friend feels that the real life friendships are created to do all the things my online communities do – lift me up when I’m down, provide advice when needed, praise my accomplishments, and support my endeavors.  She’s right – my friends do all of that and more.  But for some reason, I can’t seem to break away from the online world.  Addicting?  Maybe.

My job is going very well.  I’m working all the time it seems but I actually enjoy it!  It’s great to have health benefits and to have Holly added to those benefits for a really affordable price.  I will sometimes forget that I have health coverage because I was without it for so long!  It really came in handy when Holly was sick last week. 

A week ago we started hearing something walking around in our attic.  It sounded like something big and it kept scratching around at our insulation.  The next day I called my younger brother to have him climb up there and check it out.  He came back down and informed us we had a raccoon in our attic.  A FREAKIN RACCOON!!  So my next call was to the wildlife trappers.  They came out and told us that we had rats and the raccoon may have entered our attic to hunt the rats.  I couldn’t believe it!  For a low $750 the company set the traps for us, sealed up our attic, repaired the damages done to our insulation and air ducts, and cleaned the droppings the rats left behind.  We haven’t heard anything more up stairs, so hopefully they’re gone.

Holly and I have managed to stay on top of our weight loss.  We both hit the 20 pound mark a week and a half ago and since then I have lost 4 more pounds!  Our clothes are falling off of us, which is a good thing and a bad thing.  Good because we’re losing weight, but bad because we can’t afford to buy a new wardrobe right now.  So we’re stuck wearing belts and drowning in the clothes we have.  We did go through our closet and pulled a lot of clothes that are just way too big to save – that felt pretty awesome.  Although, I’m having a hard time handing the clothes over to Goodwill in fear that I may need them again one day.  Once I convince myself that I will no longer go back to the weight I once was, I will be able to let go the clothes.  But that’s a work in progress – convincing my brain that the skinny me is permanent.

If you were able to read my last post , you’ll see that there are some challenges with our trying to conceive journey.  Holly and I are still talking things through and have decided to not really think about TTC until May (after my taxes are paid).  This is difficult for me, because all I want to do is talk about it.  I’m the type that will talk it through until a resolution is made.  We’ve talked a lot about this so far and with all the information we’ve shared on the subject, it’s time we just let it rest for a little bit before continuing the discussion.  Kind of like, returning to our corners until the next round begins. 

I have decided to go back to school.  At 30 years of age, I will be starting college for the first time.  I’m terrified and excited!  I have a great job that will reimburse me for my tuition so why not take advantage, right?  I’m going to major in Business Management with a minor in some sort of IT field (I’m not sure which one yet).  I’ll be working towards my AA at first and hope to eventually get my BA.  I’m undecided on going full-time or part-time, I’m not sure how that will work out with my job schedule.  This whole process is confusing to me.  I wasn’t even sure where to begin – thankfully my best friend is a guidance counselor at a high school so she was able to help in a big way.  I just completed my FAFSA - which was a process in itself!  If anyone has advice on the college enrollment process, please let me know! 

So that’s what’s been going on in our world as of late.  I always update my FB, so if you want to connect there, please send me an email – 2momswithaplan at gmail dot com. 

Hope everyone is well!